Oscar

my dog oscar passed away today december 02, 2009 ( dec 03 in Philippines ).
He was suffering from perineal hernia for the past 2 years and it got worst these past few days.
he was supposed to undergo surgery the day he passed away.

i am very sad about what happened because i have to admit i am partly to blame for oscar's condition
getting worse. when i went home 2 years ago, i saw he had a big lump on the back of his thigh.
my mother and sister were telling me that they could not bring oscar to the vet because he was very
fierce and would not want to be looked at. i should not have accepted that reason. i should have done my best to
get a vet to look at oscar. back then we did not have any idea what the lump was. we thought it was something that was not really
that serious and would eventually go away. we were wrong - dead wrong.

it turned out oscar was suffering from perineal hernia. a case where muscles rupture and the bladder gets caught
somewhere making the dog unable to defecate and urinate. this will create a emergency situation where the problems will need to be fixed right away
or the dog will die due to poisoning.

i learned that oscar went through very painful experience the last day before he breathed his last.
apparently he was moaning due to extreme pain. i can imagine the pain
that oscar went through. i wish i was there to caress him, pat his head
or offer him some food to relieve even just a little of the pain he was feeling.

i bought oscar 6 years ago when we were still living in manila. i went to this pet shop owned by a certain dong on visayas avenue near tandang sora. i was originally looking
for a boxer. when i went inside the pet shop i saw a big cage full of dogs. i went near the cage and a dog, which looked like a boxer, went near the cage door looking at me as if
asking me to buy him and take him away from the pet shop.

as if the dog really talked to me, i bought him and took him home. i named his oscar, after my favorite boxer back then, oscar dela hoya.
in our apartment in carmel, oscar sleeps on the floor in the living room. i would make sure i would feed him only twice a day at specific
times to build a routine. i would walk him outside often, even late at night after i come home from work. we treated oscar as a member of the family. he was always the first one to get noticed by visitors since
he was really big and looked fierce.

it is true that oscar is big, but he is a gentle giant. ambulls are like that. they stay young for a long time and are naturally playful.
i would always play with oscar and our favorite game was pulling on his canine teeth. i would grab his canine with two hand, using my thumb and index finger to pull them and he would pull back. it's like a tug of war, except we are not tugging a rope
but his canine.

when i moved to canada i had to leave oscar with my mom. he was confined in his cage and was only able to see the world outside our fenced house when i wen for a vacation after 2 years.
when i left oscar was back in his cage. i was supposed to go home again this christmas with the whole family. we were all excited about seeing oscar again, playing with him and taking him out for a walk.
little did we know that his fate will change that fast. that he will be taken away from us, barely three weeks before we were to see him again. what makes it more painful is that he played a great role in making his condition worse buy taking things for granted
instead of taking all the precautions and taking no chances.

i don't know how long the pain will linger. i don't know either how long the guilt will linger as well.
i feel numb. i want to shout. i want to go home just to see him foe the last time even if it mean seeing only his lifeless body. oscar, a very sweet,
gentle big dog, gone too soon because people around him who are supposed to look after him, who are supposed to
make sure he is safe and healthy, who oscar is just waiting to make the move to call the vet over to end his pain
that he was feeling and hiding did not do anything. we took him for granted. we is now gone and nothing can bring him back, now amount of prayer, remorse or finger-pointing will bring oscar back.
i think we should stop owning dogs anymore. as long as we take things for granted, as long as we cannot give the care and attention that dogs deserve, we should spare dogs the hardship and pain.
pain and guilt and memories are all that is left now. goodbye oscar. please forgive us. forgive me for not being there when you are in pain and you most needed me.
thanks for the unconditional love and loyalty you gave us. you will always be remembered.

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First Day at School

First day at school

it is really impressive how my daughter gabbie is always excited about going to school. whenever the word "school" is mentioned her face lights up and her eyes grow big. she cannot contain her excitement and enthusiasm about going to school. i used to bring her to the school one block away from our home to play. during the class break, the students would go out and play at the playground. my daughter would be so delighted to see all those kids around and join them while they play. she easily fits in without any effort or signs of shyness. she just shows her natural friendly and fun-loving manner and the other kids welcome her as if they have long known each other. when the break is over and the students begin to flock back to their respective classrooms, i would see my daughter's face instantly turn from elated to sad. she would ask me if she could join the class and i would tell her that she was too young to go to school. that early i could tell my daughter really wanted to go to school - i'm just not sure how long she would want to go to school; if her interest would die down as soon as the curiosity is gone.

i decided to enroll her in once-a-week socialization class last spring. to my amazement, her enthusiam did not wane but rather she showed more interest as the days went by. even if she slept late the night before, the moment you say the magic word - that she is going to school- she would jump out of the bed and head straight to the bathroom to take a bath. the socialization class lasted only 3 months. it ended when summer started. the whole summer gabbie would ask me when she would be going back to school. i would often give the same alibi - her school was being fixed and as soon as it was done she would be able to go back to school. i could not tell her there were no classes since she believed that every saturday was school day.

i enrolled her again this fall for the once-a-week pre-kindergarden classes. when i told her about it she would ask me everyday what day it was. she could not wait for saturday to come because that was school day. finally, saturday came and she was up early, took a bath and wore her best dress for school. we packed her snack consisting of cup cake, orange juice and banana and placed it in her dora backpack (her favorite bag). there were less students in this class, only 5 to be exact, but that did not damped my daughters happiness and enthusiasm. it's funny how she told her teacher that she went to school on a school bus when we actually drove a car. she even told her teacher that she knew how to speak spanish. when the teacher heard this the teacher asked her to count in spanish which she gamely did to my amazement. when the class started she participated right away and listened attentively while the teacher was explaining.

after the class we went outside to see all these booths and games. it turned out that the fleetwood community was celebrating their fleetwood festival. we stayed for a couple of hours to have some fun. we tried mini-golf, face painting, price-fishing and a lot more.

this day was really a fun day for me and my daughter. i had a hard time convincing her to go home because her mom was waiting for us. if she had her way she would have stayed there the whole day.

Laid-off

Laid-off

I got laid off by my company last friday, september 4th. I have been working at starline windows since april of 2006. it was my first job here in canada. i am grateful to them for the opportunity they gave me to land my first ever job here in canada.

i don't know if i am just sour graping or what but instead of feeling sad or upset i felt a certain kind of relief that i finally was told that i would be laid off. Relief maybe because i was expecting to be laid off and was just waiting for that time to come.

being laid off gives me the chance to start fresh, to look at other options and opportunities, to choose a career which i am passionate about like photography. first i have to work on some things like applying for a grant from service canada and my employment insurance. i got some tips from my friend's wife on how to approach the people at service canada. i hope i can remember all those things that she pointed out to me.

so it's either i stay with IT or start a new career where i can have a fresh start and follow my passion. i am seriously considering a career in photography but i hope i can sustain my interest and passion and not turn out to be that what i thought was passion was actually a curiosity. i am praying for guidance from God for a long time to guide me, direct me to a career where i will excel, where i will be passionate and where i can support my family at the same time. i think getting laid off is one of his answers. i just have to keep my ears,mind and heart open and listen to Him.

i hope i could bounce back from this temporary setback and be able to find really waht i have been looking for for the past 10 years - a career that i can be happy, contented and passionate about.

Gabrielle

Gabrielle

this is my first entry after almost 5 years of laziness...
so many things have changed since my last post. we now reside in vancouver, canada. I have a 4-year old daughter named anna renee gabrielle.

So... i'm back!

i am scribbling this inside fleetwood community center library. passing time as i wait for my daughter's class to be over.

it's gabbie's 3rd day in her once-a-week socialization class. so far, she is having a blast. i did not expect her to be this enthusiastic, this excited to go to class. since she learned from me that she would be going to a socialization class, there's not a day when she would not ask me when she could go to school. it's really funny because after i have decided to enroll her online for the class 3 weeks earlier, i saw the slot slowly but steadily getting filled-up. to my surprise, the day before the first day of class, i saw that there were still 8 out of 9 slots left on the website.

i was kind of upset and started thinking that the rest of the kids had their enrolement cancelled by their parents. but something inside was telling me i was in for a surprise. so instead of canceling gabbie's schedule (i was planning to do it early the next morning since i could not cancel online anymore), i decided to go ahead and to just bring gabbie to attend the class anyways.

gabbie was all dressed up and excited the next morning for her first day at school. when we got to fleetwood community center, i saw a kids lined up in front of room no. 2, which was where gabbie's class was supposed to be in. i asked one of the parents there and she told me that her daight would be attending the same class. after a few minutes of anxious waiting (which to gabbie was an eternity already), tow middle-aged ladies, an east indian and a filipina, ushered the kids in. they were teachers jinny and janette. they were the teachers of the class.

i stayed outside the door where i could watch gabbie as she eagerly participated in the class, from time to time glancing from side to side, perhaps looking for me or paying attention to something else. my daughter made new friends and was really having fun. it was de javu for me. i relived the excitement that i felt, the same fulfillment that i felt when i first saw my son khalvin in his first few days in school. i have never felt this way for a long time i realized....

Controlling Temper and Showing Respect

i wasn't able get a good sleep last night and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. a couple of months before december last year, we had some problems with the renewal of our taxi's franchise. the people that were supposed to expedite the renewal process actually made things worse. this scenario wasn't new to us. this happens each year, everytime the taxi's franchise or line is up for renewal. apparently, tatay chose the wrong people to ask help from. it takes a month or two before all the paper works and legal issues are settled and finished. to me, it's really unusual. i sensed something was wrong, either with the system at LTO or with the people that my father was dealing with.

one day while the taxi was up for registration again, tatay came from LTO with a bad news. it now became clear to us why everytime the taxi was up for registration, why we were faced with so much delays and why amusing reasons for the delays were given to us by the fixers at LTO ( that's the appropriate word - fixers). what caused all the mess was the decision of my father to sell our other taxi's line to another person (a couple of years before), thinking that each taxi has individual line, which he could sell without affecting the other existing line. and so he did that. it turned out, he was approached by these fixers at LTO, who he considers his friends, and talked him into selling the line of one of our taxi which he planned to drop, without explaining to him the big picture. there were court hearings that tatay attended, documents that he prepared. they sold it. the fixers got their share - bigger than what tatay got. after a couple of years, we learned that what tatay sold was the whole franchise, not just one of the taxi lines from that franchise. he wasn't aware since it he was made to believe that he was selling just one line, not the whole franchise.

last month, i pressured tatay to take care of it once and for all and he did. he was able to find someone, a higher-up in LTO, who was able to help him to finally solve that problem. now the mundane problem that we are facing is how to find a good and honest driver. we tried hiring several drivers but no one really lived up to our expectations. either they showed no concern for the vehicle or they want to set their own terms as to how long they want to be on the road. my position on this is that they do not have to rush, it's better for the taxi to stay idle than get a driver who's a real pain in the ass, anyway we can get by without the taxi's income at present. maybe my parents don't want to be a burden to us that's why a couple of days ago, they decided to hire someone to drive the taxi without my knowledge.

it turned out this guy is a typical filipino kanto guy na medyo makapal ang mukha. last night, he passed by the house to ask my father if he could use the taxi to bring his wife ( she's works for our neighbor) home to caloocan, because she got drunk. fine. i appreciate his concern for his wife. but his wife's getting drunk was neither our concern nor our responsibility. plus, the taxi is some form of a business for us where we derive our income from, it is not intended for charitable purposes, espicially getting some drunk person home. tatay gave this stupid driver the nod and until early this morning hasn't returned or called up yet. tatay took time out to find someone who knows how to get in touch with his wife. on my way to work, my sister texted me that they were able to contact the driver and that he will be returning the taxi this afternoon, when the number-coding will be lifted for several hours (the taxi is number-coded today). to me, this is a big display of disrespect and opportunism. to think that he only started driving for us a couple of days ago, he had the nerves to ask my father to use the taxi for personal purposes. i would be more considerate if it was an emergency case but it wasn't. his wife got drunk. and it is non of our business.

so what's my point? why am i fuming mad?

because of what transpired, i again lost my temper and blurted out disrespectful words to my father, though not directly. i regret what i did. i wanted to embrace my father and apologize for what i have said. but i'm not good at that. we weren't raised that way. i was again disrespectful to my father. i hate myself for doing that and i hate myself for not being able to control my temper. fuck! i kept reminding them not to get a driver hastily because i know things like this could happen. and it did. i became a monster again because of some stupid and idiot driver, who didn't deserve to be given the chance to work for us or perhaps anybody for that matter, in the first place. i love tatay no doubt. but sometimes in my desire to protect them and my family from vultures like that i become a vulture, too. i don't intend to take whatever dignity is left of my father. i know i have been doing this time and again. he is my father, my tatay, and i should not cross that line. i should not meddle with his decisions, trespass his territory or cross that line that separates a father from a son as far as decision-making is concerned. i am terribly sorry for what i did, for the things that i said. those words, never could i take them back. i am trying so hard, so hard for this not to happen again. but it did. i hope and pray this will be the last time. forgive me tatay. i love you and i respect you as my father.

Confucious

i was never really a fan of conficious. But yesterday as i was watching a travel channel on tv, i came across this quatation from him which really hit me. It doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop. i realized it was important to always take our time, not to rush, or not to do things at a pace others do it because you are not them.

sometimes i tend to want to accomplish things fast. i want to own and accomplish things overnight, as if a fairy god mother of mine will use her magic wand to grant my wishes instantly. worst, i want to learn things fast. maybe i want to impress myself. may it be work-related or leisure-related, i want to learn new things fast, and everytime i do so, i end up knowing a little. i guess i have to have these words tatooed on my skin. these words are applicable to anything, and i mean anything. he's right, the distance you will travel or the amount of knowledge you will learn will never depend on how fast you travel or absorb things, rather it depends on when you will stop. patience is indeed a virtue.